Just weeks after Target report a massive credit-card breach — which would have alarmed me if there was any money left on the credit card I use at Target, which there’s not, because I have two children and I go to Target — a second major American retailer is investigating a possible security breach on its card network, although this second retailer smells much, much better.

Just weeks after Target report a massive credit-card breach — which would have alarmed me if there was any money left on the credit card I use at Target, which there’s not, because I have two children and I go to Target — a second major American retailer is investigating a possible security breach on its card network, although this second retailer smells much, much better.

Indeed, Michaels, America’s biggest arts and crafts retailer (yeah, I said it, Hobby Lobby), says it’s looking into a possible data breach, which was discovered when employees noticed a noticeable increase in males coming into Michaels. OK, OK, I’m just kidding, it was noticed when people started noticing unusual charges on their credit cards for thousands of dollars for poster-sized pictures of Paris in the springtime. OK, OK, sorry, it was noticed when people started getting overdraft noticed that came with a pleasing dried cinnamon scent. OK, OK, sorry, police are on the lookout for a gang of criminals dressed in pumpkin costumes with goggly eyes. OK, OK, sorry, it was noticed when the hackers came back to buy some frames for the photos they’d taken of themselves doing the hacking. Have we made clear that Michaels is a craft store? We have? OK, just checking, I’d hate for this subtle joke to go unnoticed.

This is actually a problem for me, as I’ve been in Michaels not infrequently, mostly because that store has been around for 600 years and has yet to sell me a frame at full price. I don’t know who’s doing the discounting at Michaels, but there are basically 25 ads in my Sunday paper, 35 in my mailbox, and some that fly in through the fireplace by owl. In fact I’ve been once but TWICE in the past few weeks, and stop looking at me like that, I needed some potpourri.

Actually we needed a poster board for my son’s science fair project, because although my son regularly comes downstairs in the morning with at least one of his shirts on backwards, he apparently has a lot of really specific needs regarding the display board for his investigation into magnets. (Did you know they even made $20 poster boards? What a country. Also my wife had seen fit to purchase $12 worth of sparkly letters for said poster board, because God knows Stephen Hawking and the MythBusters wouldn’t dream of presenting their quantitative findings without the use of twinkly letters.)

Anyway, check, one potential and delightfully aromatic data breach there. The second came when I naturally, being someone with a much more financially astute approach to science fair competitions, took the $20 board and $12 fancy diamond glitter letters back, because nowhere in the family budget does it say “Please trade several dinner recipes for typography.” Also LOL, I like how I just insinuated we had a family budget.

Anyway, this part is not a joke: Target last month reported that hackers had gotten their hands on 70 million customers records. Neiman Marcus said a data breach compromised information from more than a million cards. And with this Michaels news, it seems there’s never been a worse time to be a credit card. I’d joke here about how I never shopped at Neiman Marcus or Michaels, but I’m at Target like four times a week, and I have definitely taken advantage of Target’s free credit report offer, because I like when new companies tell me how much money I no longer have. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe it is time to make a family budget. I’ll even prepare a presentation. On poster board.

Jeff Vrabel is putting this column in the scrapbook he got from Michaels. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.