Over the years I have spent hours standing in high heeled pumps. Many times I have been in varying degrees of discomfort. It’s more truthful to say I had searing white hot pain that began at my feet and proceeded to the base of my brain. When I finally had the opportunity to remove my shoes to get relief, I realized my feet had been permanently molded into triangles.
After my experience with the cruel shoes, I decided to check out other shoe styles to see if I could find a pair that were comfortable. In other words, something designed for the human foot. What I found were more pumps with points, flats with points and sneakers. Since I didn’t want to repeat my episode of torture, I chose to return to an outdated pair of shoes with round toes. They were a replica of the Mary Janes I wore as a child. I may sound like a heretic to those who faithfully follow the dictates of fashion, but I am no longer willing to trade glamour for pain.
I have also decided to stop doing battle with the following clothes from hell: Jeans that simply are not made for a short woman who has ample hips, short legs and a waist that doesn’t seem to exist any longer. If the jeans fit my waist, they’re too tight in the hips. When the hips fit, the waist bags out, which makes me look like an inverted avocado. Even the companies that make so-called “petite” jeans still make the legs too long, which leaves me with enough material to make a skirt.
I thank God every day that panty hose has been relegated to the Smithsonian. I used to become maniacal when I would try to gently slip on a pair and end up with a rip from a hang nail. I could never get the right size either. One time I had gotten a pair halfway up my hips and found there was no more material for them to go the rest of the way up.
My list contains bras that I have often felt were made for people who have banana shaped breasts, underpants that fit so tightly around your thighs they stop circulation, and last but not least, manufacturers who make clothing that says medium or large but which you know in your heart of hearts is a small. In fact numbers are now used instead of the aforementioned. If you can tell someone you’re a 1, 2, 3 or 4, you have reached Nirvana.
Aging has taught me many things and one of the best lessons is the realization that comfort is the best choice I can make. It allows my body, mind and spirit to feel at ease and be in the present moment instead of wishing I could hurry home and take all my clothes off.
— Author, humorist, PBS star and Fortune 500 trainer Loretta LaRoche lives in Plymouth, Massachusetts. To share your pet peeves, questions or comments, write to The Humor Potential, 50 Court St., Plymouth, MA 02360. Visit her website at stressed.com.