Donald Trump’s Dickensian suggestion that food stamps should be replaced by home-delivered boxes of canned food — think Blue Apron with less pancetta-wrapped halibut and more expired chili and dented peaches — didn’t get a lot of love when it was unveiled recently.
But Trump may have abandoned the notion too soon. Maybe his outspoken supporter, disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker could help. Bakker is nothing if not scrappy — no, I was right the first time; he’s nothing — and he has launched a boxed meal delivery system of his own. Sure, it’s targeted so you can survive the end times while your friends and neighbors perish right in front of you, but it looks exactly like the kind of nutrition model Trump might like for the poor: packets of dehydrated “food” with a shelf life of up to 40 years.
Bakker, whose affair with a young church secretary and financial misdeeds led to the downfall of his ministerial empire and a prison sentence, is back on TV with a new wife (RIP Tammy Faye) and a rebooted message focused on convincing viewers the end times are practically here.
How does he know this? After all, weren’t we told Obama’s presidency signaled the end times because of him being the Antichrist and all? Turns out Obama lives a low-key retirement and doesn’t even put an empty milk carton back in the family fridge so clearly he can’t be the promised Antichrist. Who then?
Bakker doesn’t say exactly but he recommends we prepare for a world without premium cable, even. The faithful may want to try his carefully curated “Tasty Pantry Deluxe Bucket” which provides 10,472 servings to sustain you and yours while everybody else gets smote.
All for the low, low cost of $2,800. (It’s technically called a “donation” for tax reasons).
“God says there will be no food unless you sell your soul to the Antichrist,” says Bakker. OK, so does this mean HE is the Antichrist? And if so, well, I’m not all that surprised.
Bakker just hates silver and gold and I’m guessing bitcoin and Chuck E. Cheese tokens as well.
“Your silver and gold will be worthless,” he says. “People have been storing up silver and gold and it will be worthless because all you want is food.”
True that. I ALWAYS want food. Although a thorough look at Bakker’s pantry selections don’t exactly make the mouth water. New York chef Greg Lauro told NPR after sampling a few dishes that they tasted like papier mache’ and (smelled like) a “bathroom at a bar at the end of the night in a college town.”
Godless food snob. Maybe HE’s the Antichrist.
For those who are afraid the Tasty Pantry Bucket won’t last long enough, there’s the “Peace of Mind Final Countdown” chow plan which has 31,000 (!) servings for a donation of $4,500.
“Imagine the world is dying and you are having a breakfast for kings!” reads an ad for all that peace-of-mind. I think Jesus said that first.
— Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. She calls Wilmington, North Carolina home. www.celiarivenbark.com.