Because I’m a patriot at heart, Imma help Ben Carson out of all this furniture drama.
Watching Carson soft-shuffle around the now-famous $31,000 dining room furniture debacle while detailing how his wife had to scrounge in the basement for decent replacements like an early bird at a suburban D.C. yard sale was compelling. Hearing him discuss, seriously, how the current dining room table was “dangerous” made me howl. Since when is a dining room table dangerous? What are the Carsons serving their guests? Mastodon?
To be fair, Carson has a point when he reminds us the current furniture was purchased in 1967. So he doesn’t like antiques. Respect. I don’t either. So I’m here to offer my services.
An Open Letter to Dr. Ben Carson:
I’m not sure why your wife hasn’t insisted you go to Home Goods with her but it makes me wonder if you’re even married. How have you escaped being elbow-dragged through this mammoth home furnishings bargain center “just for a sec” to “find a pillow” or “really four living room chairs but I said pillow so you wouldn’t freak out.”
Because I’m a concerned citizen, I would be delighted to take you to the Home Goods closest to the metro D.C. area so we can look for furniture for up to 10 hours but who’s counting? In fact, I’d consider it a public service. Bring the little woman. Together, we will be able to outfit your entire building for less than the cost of one of those fancy mahogany chairs you picked out, bless your heart.
Picking out furniture isn’t brain surgery. You see what I just did there? While I respect your ability to saw into somebody’s noggin and fix what ails them, this doesn’t mean you know anything about mid-century modern credenzas, much less how to comparison-shop for the best value.
You say you are Housing and Urban Development secretary and you don’t have time to “go shopping” with “a random crazy lady”? I hear you. So why not peruse some popular online stores like Wayfair, Houzz, Joss & Main, Hayneedle, One Kings Lane and Overstock.com?
Right now you can buy a Schwager Extendable Wood Dining Table for just $999 with FREE SHIPPING at Joss & Main. I like this one for you, Dr. Carson, because if you have a few extra guests, you just drop in the bonus leaf and everybody’s comfy. Crista from Las Vegas gave it five stars because “it was easy to attach the legs.”
OK, I hear you. You don’t want something you have to assemble. Of course you don’t! That’s why you have under secretaries who can crouch UNDER the table and tighten those bolts with the handy Allen wrench that COMES WITH!
Dr. Carson, I realize that as housing secretary you know almost as much about dining room furniture as you do about what it’s like to work three jobs just to pay the rent, but I’m here to help. Call me!
— Wilmington, North Carolina’s Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and political humorist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.