I don’t know why you hipster whiners are crying in your cruelty-free IPAs after hearing the latest report warning of the devastating impact of climate change expected in the next 80 years.

The report, involving 13 federal agencies and more than 300 leading scientists from the government and private sector, concluded climate change is man-made, it’s real and, listen up, Bubba, it’s real dangerous.

Oh, science community, always with the Negative Nellie attitude. Why am I not worried? Because President Trump, when questioned about whether he now, FINALLY, believes in global warming, flicked off the question like a wolf spider and said: “I like great climate.”

Feel better yet?

If you don’t, it could be because you’re scared the president is once again confusing “weather” and “climate,” which is like confusing “the powdery sawdust in the green cylindrical can” with “Parmesan Reggiano hand-sliced off a wheel freshly imported from Italy.”

To put it in terms the president might prefer: Weather is the balmy stuff found at Mar-a-lago on a typical January afternoon. Climate is weather’s serious-minded sister, the one that spent weekends teaching herself how to write code and sewing a Dr. Who costume for ComicCon.

Weather is Stormy Daniels. Climate is Stephen Hawking. Weather is Nicholas Sparks; climate is Jonathan Franzen. Weather is “30 Day Fiancee”, climate is “Sherlock.” Weather is Chutes & Ladders, climate is Mystery Date. (OK, chess. I was just making sure you were paying attention.)

Once again, the president has lapsed into the role of Comforter in Chief, dispensing feel-good bromides on the tarmac before lumbering up the steps and into the safe, hamburger-scented confines of Air Force One. It might even work except for the fact that Trump’s attempts to sound comforting never sound sincere. The artful dealer couldn’t game a toddler with his “Everything’s wonderful. It’s the most wonderful it’s ever been.” The toddler hears this and thinks: “That sounds great, but it’s not getting my diaper changed.”

Trump’s fallback when dealing with difficult questions is to say something sunny. Unfortunately, this call and response is about as useful as showing up at a wildfire with a garden rake. For example.


Silly scientists! There’s no global warming because, duh, it snowed last week somewhere.

GM shutting down plants and pitching thousands into unemployment?

“Our economy is the best it has ever been!”
When Trump straight-faced claims America “has never had such clean air and water,” we can only wonder what they have to say about that in Flint, Mich., and then we reorder our monthly delivery of filtered water in 5-gallon jugs. We don’t drink water from the municipal system here in Southeastern North Carolina because there are so many toxic chemicals in it. I don’t want a baby arm growing out of my forehead is all I’m sayin’.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a president whose approach to public policy couldn’t be summed up as: “Pee on their heads and tell ’em it’s raining”?

Yes, yes it would.

— Wilmington, North Carolina’s Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com