Congratulations on your decision to purchase this fine sun protection product! By choosing our sunscreen, you have made a choice to spend a lot of money to protect your skin from sun damage when you could have accomplished the same thing for much less by just wearing a hat.
HOW MUCH PROTECTION DO YOU GET?
This sunscreen is the highest level of sun protection you can buy without a prescription or without spending the summer in a dark closet.
When used properly, this sunscreen will protect you from 99% of harmful UVA rays, as well as damage caused by UVB, QVC, SUV and MTV.
Independent laboratory testing also shows that use of this product can protect you from dangerous gamma rays, delta rays, sting rays, Tampa Bay Rays and Rachael Rays.
This product has an SPF rating of 140, which gives you 140 times more sun protection then no sunscreen at all, as long as you slather it on every 10 minutes and remain fully clothed while you are covered with a tarp in complete shade.
WHAT IS THE SECRET OF THIS AMAZING PRODUCT?
A unique ingredient creates an invisible barrier between your skin and the sun. This ingredient is so revolutionary, so remarkable, we can’t tell you what it is for fear that you will realize that it is the same ingredient in many other sunscreens that you can buy for half the cost of ours.
DIRECTIONS FOR USE:
- Distribute evenly over all areas of sun exposure. Failure to do so may result in sunburned outlines of your fingers resembling palm leaf prints.
- Reapply hourly or whenever you swim, sneeze, hiccup, shake your booty or fall asleep in the sun and wake up looking like you were stir-fried on the hibachi at Benihanas.
- This product is not for use on clothing, dogs, cats, pet rocks or American Girl Dolls (no matter how much they look like you).
DIRECTIONS FOR USE ON CHILDREN:
- Catch them
- Sit on them
- Ignore bellows of protest
- Slather them with suntan lotion
- Apologize profusely when you get it in their eyes
- Sigh in exasperation as they immediately jump in the water effectively rinsing off all the lotion.
DISCLAIMERS: This product is waterproof and sweatproof, as long as you do not get wet or sweat.
NOTE: Do you like the look of a natural, sun-kissed tan but don’t want to spend time in the sun? Try our new Sunless Tanning Lotion! Guaranteed to give you a completely unnatural, orangey glow year ‘round!
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